Dear Woman,

Please know that you are loved and appreciated for all you do.

Stop telling yourself you could have done better; you will do better next time.

You will forget something or 2 things and trust me this is okay. Don’t beat yourself up.

Understand that the much sought after work/life balance is a myth. A MYTH. Let it go.

Be kind to yourself today and every day that follows.

Know that you are not alone; other women are feeling something similar right now too.

Tomorrow you can begin anew.

You are the best thing to ever happen.

You are perfect just as you are.

In fact you are exceptional. Incredible actually.

Keep doing your best and trying your hardest; no one can ask for more.

Accept that you are imperfect. Perfectly imperfect.

The world is a better place because you are in it.

Light & Love,

Your #1 Fan,

Alicia Mathlin.

p.s. In a perfect world I could leave this note under every woman’s pillow…I guess if you share this message, tweet this message or sing this message it could find its way to more women especially the ones who need to hear it. Spread Love.xo 

this is your life

and

it’s ending one minute at a time

~ fight club

We take for granted the one certainty in life; the fact that our lives will end.  It’s a tricky thing to consider because it is so very sad and so very enlightening at the same time.  I believe it is enlightening because it can provide clarity for the way we live our lives.  The way we love. The way we communicate. The way we spend our time.  All of these things matter in the face of this reality and yet somehow we’re missing the significance of each moment. We linger in the past too long. Worry about the future too often.  We keep missing right now. The Present. This moment is your best chance to change, to make a difference, to be happy, to create, to get healthy, to let go and to forgive.

My life changed this Summer and it happened quickly. I had my arms around 2 very special little girls and a question popped into mind.  Am I the kind of woman I would want them to become? Certainly they are going to become incredible individuals in their own right but in that moment, it occurred to me that my life should – at the very least – reflect a mode of conduct, a standard of courage, discipline, fortitude and integrity. That list was created by Jacqueline Bisset to define what makes a woman beautiful but I would argue that these things define what make a woman whole and happy. I realized that far more important than anything I could ever say, was and always will be, what I do.  I believe I have to hold my life to the standard of my hope for every little girl and to the standard of hope I have for every woman. I no longer see any other way of being.  I believe that when the message comes and it says –  do more + be better – you need to listen.

As the minutes move forward I think about this resolve and what it means for my life; I have been in a self-imposed cocoon trying to answer the following questions: Is it in line with the work I am already doing or do I have to start over? How does it affect the people closest  to me? What changes do I need to make to honour this commitment? How do I refine what I create in this light? Are my words consistent with my actions?  Should I plan for steps or leaps at this juncture? The questions are plenty. I assure you the answers are even more.

The point of all of this comes down to one final statement: BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOU EVERY DAY. For the people closest to you. For your community. For your country and for the world. That sounds huge right? But it works in the same way that every minute, when added together, makes up your whole life.

Light & Love, 
Alicia.

…procrastinating. You are denying yourself progress.

…complaining. Start making the necessary changes.

…gossiping. As women we fail each other and ourselves every time we do.

…betraying yourself. Your health is the ultimate sign of self-love.

…focusing on the past. It’s over. Let it go. Move on. Your life is now.

…being so angry. You are poisoning yourself for what exactly?

…lying to yourself. The truth will set you free. Freedom is Power.

…leading with your pride. It is a front for your insecurity. Its voice is loud.

…being impatient.  Nothing takes that long anymore. Calm down your making coffee nervous.

…denying others compassion.  None of us are perfect. Remember daily and act accordingly.

…expecting so much. Just focus on your own actions.

…waiting. Tomorrow may never come. Seriously.

…shrinking…

ladies, time to rise.

Light & Love,
Alicia Mathlin.

P.S. if  you have received this email and don’t remember signing up for my blog, it is because I am no longer on facebook {I will tell you why in another post} and my writing is no longer available through that medium. I went ahead and added you to the mailing list; I know that was very forward of me and I understand completely if ‘unsubscribe’ is your immediate reaction but before you do…please know you’ve been added because at one time or another you have expressed your own desire for a life really well lived and that’s what every one of my posts are about – YOU at your most awesome; most giving, most happy, most healthy, most courageous and most powerful.  

P.S.S. …OR…you heard about all the new stuff I’m working on and didn’t want to miss out {so excited} OR we had a really cool conversation about how women rock OR you wanted to collaborate with me on something life changing, community changing and/or world changing OR you wanted stuff to print out and put on your wall/vision board/frenemy’s pillow etc…

P.S.S.S. you can reach me anytime at alicia@sheshouldknow.com or via twitter @AliciaMathlin. 

A warm tear rolled down my eye. I heard thunderous applause around me as people rose to their feet for a standing ovation. The energy in the theatre was almost tangible.

I got up slowly, paralyzed with emotion and began clapping wildly. Everybody knew what they had just seen. There was no denying it. It was clear. We had all just witnessed what it is like to do what you love, with so much love and to do it with every fibre of your being. To achieve the type of mastery that makes excellence look effortless. It was magical. I was left speechless until now.

The play is called The Shape of Things by Neil Labute. It superbly takes you on a journey through love, relationships, art and the thin line between love and cruelty. I encourage you to lend your support to this play having another run but that is not what this post is about.

It is about Jennifer Neales. A woman I have known since high school who has only ever wanted to be an actor. Her commitment to her craft is undeniable {she’s been known to have 3 scripts memorized at once}. She works very hard and carries with her the discipline of a true artist who knows that success is not rooted in talent alone. Jennifer’s art is her life and her life is her art. I am writing to you about her today because I believe she has crossed a threshold – from actor to ACTOR. I know that’s not for me to determine but I must say that she has ascended to another level and that’s worth noting.

What I want you to know, with Jennifer Neales as example, is that you can make a decision about your life and yourself. You can decide to be great. You can decide to push harder. You can decide to go further. Pursue your dreams. Achieve your goals. Everything is possible for you all the time but you have to decide that this is true. You have to put in the work everyday. You have to give it your all and then some more. There will be heartbreak along the way. Things will not always work out. People will behave badly toward you. But decide to keep moving forward. Decide that at some point in your life you will have at least one moment when you could hear the standing ovation in your mind and in your heart.

Light & Love,
Alicia.

The last day you do something could be one of the most important days of your life. It could be the difference between weakness and strength. Faith and security. Never again and always. Truth and denial. The last day means something. It means you made a choice.  You decided to act.  You decided that something had to end.  Something needed to stop.  A limit had been reached. A boundary had been set.  It was time for an ending. An end. A last day.

I feel like new beginnings get all the glitz and glamour. All the fanfare.  The endings seem to come and go so quickly when we all know that they don’t, do they? It takes a long time to have a last day. How many months, years, decades do we spend not quite getting to the end of something. We delay, we deny, we excuse and we explain but we do not stop. Last days are too hard.  So much time and effort goes into preventing them, even when we’re hurting. Even when things have gone too far.

I want to argue that last days are just as important as first ones. It takes courage. It takes self-respect. It takes guts to stop. To end. To let go. To walk away.  Last days are not for the faint heart. They are for bold souls and strong hearts.  The last day is the doorway from the past into your future. You have to be ready for a last day. You have to get ready for a last day because there is no turning back. It is your rite of passage. Created by you. You counted the countdown. The last day is worth celebrating, no new beginning has ever come without one.

Light & Love,
Alicia.

  Even if you don’t know it yet

or your life has made you forget,

I want you to know you are one too.

{This post is not about a book, but it starts with one…} One of my favourite books as a teenager was Women Who Run With The Wolves: Myths & Stories of The Wild Women Archetype by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, I brought this book everywhere with me, it hid behind an upright textbook during class, accompanied me on bus rides and helped pass the time during breaks at my first job . The book helped shape the type of woman I would become, but at the time its  lessons were lost on me, I didn’t understand the profound importance of its message. I only knew that it stirred something in me. To give you an idea of what that was, here’s the synopsis:

Within every woman there lives a powerful force, filled with good instincts, passionate creativity, and ageless knowing. She is the Wild Woman, who represents the instinctual nature of women. But she is an endangered species. In Women Who Run With the Wolves, Dr. Estés unfolds rich intercultural myths, fairy tales, and stories, many from her own family, in order to help women reconnect with the fierce, healthy, visionary attributes of this instinctual nature. Through the stories and commentaries in this remarkable book, we retrieve, examine, love, and understand the Wild Woman and hold her against our deep psyches as one who is both magic and medicine. Dr. Estés has created a new lexicon for describing the female psyche. Fertile and life-giving, it is a psychology of women in the truest sense, a knowing of the soul.

It’s a lot to take in. Even now when I feel more certain about my womanhood, the book’s title still calls to me when I feel like I’ve reached the limit of my capabilities.  Then I remember, I AM A WOMAN WHO RUNS WITH THE WOLVES.  I can go further. Push harder. Dig deeper. I can find what I need inside of myself. The strength. The courage. The discipline. The resolve. The energy.  The conviction. And yet, there is something else…

I have surrounded myself with other women who run with the wolves.  My pack. The women I have the honour of calling my friends, my sisters and my teachers. I will run for these women and run beside these women until my last breath. I will support their dreams. Celebrate their accomplishments. Lift them up. Hold their hand. Lend them courage. Fight for their rights. I will always see their light.

Your girlfriends play an important role in your life.  They are powerful. They influence, impact and shift you.  They can bring you up or drag you down.  Be ruthless about the company you keep. Remember what I said:  I will run for these women and run beside these women until my last breath. I will support their dreams. Celebrate their accomplishments. Lift them up. Hold their hand. Lend them courage. Fight for their rights. I will always see their light. This is not too much. This is the minimum standard of sisterhood.  You owe this to them and they owe this to you. Make no time for the women that walk with the sheep. Surround yourself with women who RUN WITH THE WOLVES {howl}.

Light & Love, 

SheWolf, 

Alicia.

A few weeks ago I was delighted - ok, SUPER ecstatic - to hear that one of my posts {My Top 10 Rules for Life} was going to be used as a teaching tool for a college class called Advanced Academic Achievement.  It made me think about the other rules I apply to the different areas of my life. I have rules for everything and to some it may seem inflexible or rigid but to me it is freedom. My rules are rooted in self-respect, self-discipline and self-preservation. Or as I lovingly call them: the trifecta of personal power for all women. You can live on your own terms. I do. You set the standard high and work daily at not letting yourself down.  I do this too. The same holds true for relationships; you have no control of other people but you can be conscious of how you conduct yourself with other people. Specifically with the person you love and with whom you share my life.

Herewith My Top 10 Rules for Awesome Relationships:

1. Fix You.  Take the time to figure yourself out and deal with your baggage. You are a grown up.  You cannot use your relationships as a dumping ground for your neuroses. Take responsibility for you and fix what’s broken. Then go be awesome for yourself and for others.
2. Be Nice. Seriously, can you we just be nicer to our significant others? Less sarcasm, judgement and measuring. More compassion.
3. Nourish The Good. Too often we give all our energy to the negativity and stress of everyday circumstances and leave nothing or very little for the people we love. By nourishing the love in our loves we are strengthened and renewed for the challenges we face and we find that we are not in it alone.
4. Stop Yourself.  We’ve all gotten really good at saying things that injure very quickly. It is not a game to see who can say the most effective hurtful thing, it is cruelty and you needn’t participate in such games.
5. Manners Please.  Why do we stop using our manners with the people we love? Please, thank you, have a good day, sleep tight – all these courtesies still matter. They take the edge off the sharpest day and remind the other person that there is still respect.
6. Respect Each Other As People. We’re all different, even the people closest to us. We don’t process or interpret things the same way. Our frame of reference for just about everything is different, so try really hard to remember that when you want people to see things your way. By taking just a second to consider this reality and letting it dictate the way you speak to people you will save yourself a lot of pointless arguments.
7. Aim For Understanding.  Being right is overrated, especially when we really just seek to be understood.  The other person wants to acknowledged and understood, from there you should look for a really good compromise and move on. Does it ever really feel that good to be right?
8. Get To Laughter Quickly.  Communication carries energy in it. When an exchange isn’t going well or is harsh, start to laugh. It may throw off the other person but explain very quickly that you have no intention of sustaining a conversation that feels awful, there’s gotta be a way that you can talk things through.  By then your biochemistry will have changed and you’ll be a better participant in the dialogue or even better you’ll both move on.
9. Touch Often. Try to become a touchy feely person. Us Touchy-Feely people are healthier, happier and have less wrinkles.  We all walk around with too many walls and filters around us – like little impenetrable force fields. Why block yourself off, when you can be hugging, cuddling, reassuring or loving??? We are meant to connect.
10. Love Hard. Do not ration your love. Do not take moments for granted. Do not save I love you for later or the lazy assumption that the other person knows. Remind people they are adored, loved and needed.  Be generous with praise, recognition and acknowledgement.  Do not be stingy with your affection. Take an extra moment for that kiss and hug. Keep the love flowing back and forth. Don’t wait for it to come your way first. This applies to your relationship with YOU too! Be courageous enough to love hard.
11. BONUS: Little Things Become Big Things. It is not the big things that destroy relationships. It is the accumulation of countless little things; the moments of missed kindness, forgotten consideration or disrespect.  It happens when we don’t take that extra second for the one we love.  The pause for the good morning, I love you or the kiss goodbye. The lost eye contact. Or the space you allow to come in between you. Too many of these micro aggressions add up to become one big problem.  Be mindful of these little guys this will ultimately save your relationship.

 love well

Light & Love, 
Alicia.

p.s. If at the time of reading this you are not in a relationship, I would encourage you to apply these rules to your relationship with yourself. In fact I think you should get really good at all of these… for #6 respect yourself, for #9 give yourself a hug…generally treat yourself the way you want to be treated. You can set the new standard for your future relationships. I am certain that these rules will serve you very well. Love to you.xo

Your life is a gift.  A precious and beautiful gift. From wherever you believe your life came from know that it is a very special gift. And if your life is a gift then so are you.  You must begin to see yourself in that light.  It is not something you should wait for others to tell you or prove to you. It is something you should just know and believe. Even if that belief defies everything you have ever been told or experienced. Even if that belief does not correspond with your current circumstance. You need to know that you are a gift, you have always been and you will always be.

So what does that mean for your life right now?

It means everything.  It means you should start your day with gratitude. It means that you should greet each person you meet with warmth and compassion.  It means that smiling should become your new thing. It means that you should not take things or people for granted. Having the gift of life carries with it a huge responsibility, you are to be your best, give your best and ultimately live your best life. I know you’ve heard that one before but it is always true. Attempt. Each day. To live your best life.

I encourage you…

…to use your gift. Love every minute of it. The good. The bad. The ugly and even the WTF?! I am so serious. Life’s short. It can be over in an instant. Will you have done something special – at least 1 really special thing? How about 5 really special things? Will you have changed a life? Saved a life? Did you help enough? Give enough? Love enough? Laugh enough? Do they all know how you feel? Did you do what it took to make it happen? Were you brave? Did you give someone courage? Strength? Did you care? Respect? Appreciate? I really want you to think about this every day.  Because this matters.  This is truly what matters. If you don’t know this now, I am happy to be the first to tell you: how you love people {including the ones you picked, the ones that picked you and total strangers}, how you love yourself {all of the awesome that is you!} and how you love all living things {nature, animals…} is what this whole big beautiful thing is all about.

In a nutshell…

YOU ARE A GIFT

SO IS EVERYONE ELSE

PLEASE LIVE ACCORDINGLY

Light  & Love,
Alicia.

You will have to keep coming up for air. Oxygen resets your mind, your body and your soul. It heals. It clears. Rejuvenates. Resuscitates. Breathe deeply.

Overwhelm. There is too much going on. Too much noise.  Too much pulling and pushing of you. You feel like you’re underwater. Under a cloud. Under cement. Under the ground. It is heavy. You are experiencing descent into oceans of fatigue and frustration. The currents are pulling you under and you just want to close your eyes. Close your eyes and let it take you. Take you down. To be numb. To be gone. It would be so good to let go. To surrender into the deep darkness. It would be so easy to just stop fighting and let it have you. Or…

You can come up for air. You don’t have to pull your whole body out. You just need to get close enough to the surface of your being and gasp for air. One deep breath. Two deep breaths. Three. Feel it course through your body. Oxygen. Life. Possibility. There is power in deciding to come up for air. You fought for it. You did not surrender to the ease of descent. You took the hard way and got out faster. The short term pain for the long term gain. GAIN. One last fight and you got through. One last burst and you made it. You are safe now.

We will always be challenged.  We will always have reasons to give in or give up. But there’s something else that is constant. You can always come up for air. That option {or solution} is always available to you.  Yours for the taking.  Take it. You need it. It will save your life. It will save You. When in doubt look for the surface. There is light up there. There is love. Hope. Possibility. Help. Look up. Follow the light. The light will get brighter as you get closer. Keep focused on it. Light and dark cannot co-exist. Not in the world and not in your heart. Gratitude is light and where there is light, there is oxygen.

Love to you, 
Alicia.

1. The Kardashian Sisters are REALLY popular. Does anyone know why? Anyone?
2. The “NEW” high heels for women. When I was a kid they were covered in clear plastic and we called them stripper heels.
3. MissRepresentation. If you haven’t seen this perfectly done documentary, and have or know girls, here’s an 8 minute snapshot that just might blow your mind {Click HERE}
4. Skinny is STILL more important to girls than HEALTHY.  Every image our girls see is designed to make them feel inadequate and BUY something {anything} to remedy it. Guess what? It’s working. They tested it on us. On our Mothers. On our Grandmothers etc…
5. Over 60% of young women believe that Rhianna must have done something to deserve it. I know Rhianna doesn’t want to be a role model {proven!} but what concerns me is that her ordeal exposed that over 60% of young women believe violence against women can be justified. Girls BELIEVE that she must have done something.  What is this “something” that makes it okay? {IT’S NOT OKAY! NOPE! NEVER!}
6. Many Religious Men in Power TARGET girls. Read this letter to understand what I mean. Please be clear, I am not talking about religion itself, rather the people that use religion to oppress girls, both here and abroad. {be forewarned: this letter has links to news coverage of each point - Click HERE}
7. They don’t read much. Dr.Seuss said it best “The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you will go.” True Story. Unfortunately girls don’t know this anymore and notably they don’t seem to be going anywhere.
8. The social acceptance of sexting.  Girls see nothing wrong with sending boys images of themselves nude or partially nude. Like, they don’t even think twice! To them their nudity is not sacred or precious. It is unimportant. They have no concept have how much of themselves they casually {recklessly} give away.
9. Half The Sky. I read this book and it changed my life. It opened my eyes to the harsh realities of girls around the world and here at home. What makes this book different is that the problems are presented with solutions. SOLUTIONS {my favourite thing!}. Click HERE for a trailer on the PBS series based on the book.
10. Because you were a girl once.  Be the person you needed as a girl. Be that for a girl right now. You cannot undo your past but helping/caring/mentoring a girl will improve your future. And possibly hers too.

Usually I write this sort of post on our sister blog, She Should Give™, but I believe that while we are on our own journeys of growth and greatness over here at She Should Know™,  we need to stay mindful of the growth and greatness of our young.  As we get clear, make progress, get strong and find our way, we must shine our new or renewed light on the path for our girls. We must illuminate their worlds and ignite their potential.

I fight for girls. I fight quietly, privately and also loudly, publicly. I write. I speak. I contribute. I participate. I believe in girls. I believe in their  power. I support their dreams. I cultivate their courage. I encourage their good health. I push them to be better. But it doesn’t stop there, I am conscience of the world they live in, both on a micro level and on a macro level.  I feel compelled to raise awareness on the issues they face. I want to empower. Prepare. Lift. Propel. There is work to be done, in schools, communities, media and government. I believe you can’t change everything but you can work to change something.  Now more than ever girls need us.  Our young daughters, sisters, granddaughters, nieces and cousins need us.  Mentor. Step up. Fight for their Rights. Sign Petitions. Get Involved. Get Organized. Show Support. Raise Funds. Girls need you, all of us, to stop accepting the status quo. Girls in your own family. Girls in your community. Country. Around the World. ALL. GIRLS. NEED. US.

Light & Love, 
Alicia.

p.s. if you need a little help figuring out how to help email me {HERE}